I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
