I feel great
I just peed on a car
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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