literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
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