Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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