blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
