Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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