I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
