I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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