In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
