there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
