Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
