He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize