hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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