I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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