yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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