Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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