i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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