i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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