I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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