What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
