she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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