I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
