I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
