Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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