you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
