She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
