I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
