before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Sext me about skeletons
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
