:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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