I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
40s are totally the cure
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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