if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
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