im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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