My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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