How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
