Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
