I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize