Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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