but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
