the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
