If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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