Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
