Yo dont text me then not text me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you mean i was at the winter classic?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
