my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
