You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
