I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
