Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I will pee on everything he values.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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