Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
