I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish i was in the wii world.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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