Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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