So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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