you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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