just come out here and I will go home with you...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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