is your mom at the bar?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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