you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
