Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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