Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
