What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
