Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
