If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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